Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
BRO LMFAO
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?