Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great acting.. 😂

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

british sex workers really pound for pound

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.