Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this