Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.
She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips.
I asked what kind of pizza it was.
I woke up outside with a concussion
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.