Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”