@HatfieldAnne

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

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@MickSnark

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

@ben_rosen

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

@iGreenGod

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

@itrevormoore

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

@liv_thatsme

Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.

@Douchekevin

She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips.

I asked what kind of pizza it was.

I woke up outside with a concussion

@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@ThugRaccoons

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*