Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call