*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.