*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
April 1st is the class clown of days.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”