Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult