Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Arrest that man!
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Sharon I have some bad news
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.