Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.