Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
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I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
i want to work in this restaurant
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
