Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Are you a cat person or a person person?

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway