Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

idk what he going thru but i feel him

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.