Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.