Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

@funTweeters

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.