Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*bites zombie*
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
