Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor