Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.