Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
wish me luck lads
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Jesus Christ lmao
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.