Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
You Might Also Like
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
It was worth a shot 😂
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat