Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.