Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.