Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
HELP 😭
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.