Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

operators are standing by to ignore your call