Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Rambo Rambow
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day