Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.