Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

*mops up wine with cat*

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

When I grow up, I want to be 16

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Discuss

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*