Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
You Might Also Like
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”