mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
When you’re here for the treats.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.