Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?