Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.