Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
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Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
My what?
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My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.