Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.