Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
…żyje?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.