Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.