Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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where the womens at?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
no one likes gloating
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
airing out the snack pack
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate