Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

I need better friends

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

⛄️

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*