Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Banana is the quietest snack

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Seek kebab; not attention

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.