Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]