[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
marvel comics have peaked
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile