Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
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My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
My daily affirmation
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me