Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Me: did I pass?

Driving instructor: *swimming away* no

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.