Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

beware of dog
(jukin media)

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.