Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*