Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good