Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Florida man
Coffee for people with no kids
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“you look easy to draw”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises