Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

[First day as a beaver]

Me: Dam.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.