Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
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my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Cats (2019)
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.