Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

My inexpensive home security system…

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

*trimming my nose hair in the mirror

You sexy beast.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.