Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅