Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds