Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ