Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]