Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.