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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here