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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.