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This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.