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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.