Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
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Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
The “baby” on the left….
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?