motivation
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I think we should hear other voices.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
wut hotdog?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?