motivation
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Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.