Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Netflix and you sit over there.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.