Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

couldn’t resist

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius