motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed