motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.