motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”