Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.