Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’