Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

Ferrari squats

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me