Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.