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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
pep talk
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.