Mountain Goat : )
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.