Mountain Goat : )
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Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
A flock of dads is called a grill.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.