Mountain Goat : )
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Worth remembering.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”