Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

dead inside

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.