“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”