“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
peak technology
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.