Mouse
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.