Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

“What?”
– Jude

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Every house has this drawer

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way